"The light of a distant star continues to reach the Earth long after
the star itself is gone."~Author Unknown
the star itself is gone."~Author Unknown
I have started to write my blog today about 4 times. I wanted to talk some more about market and have a little give a way. I'm stuck.
The truth of it right here and right now is that so many times in the past few months I have been so busy designing ,writing (something special is in the works ) that I have put some strong emotions on the back burner. I have been preoccupied with Silver Thimble business there was so much to do. Now, market is behind me, the new project is in the rear view mirror..it is time to slow down a bit. This new found "time" brings with it the stark reality of the loss of our first grandchild in May and the grief that has been quietly put on a shelf in my heart. While it is never far from mind...it hasn't been dealt with..faced..and "handled" from the grandparent perspective.
I'm taking Emily's lead and blogging a bit about this. She has written so beautifully about their process but I have always stayed away from that because I felt that it was their story...and it is, and always will be. The truth is, it is also a family story. We all feel the loss and we are all a "mess" at different times. Emily might be having a good day and Russ a bad, I might be having a good day and Emily a bad. We all throw each other into tailspins on a regular basis. Guess what..the holidays are on the way. Can we just call it all off?
When you are the parent..and in particular the mother. We make holidays happen, and YOU KNOW what I'm talking about. The decorating, shopping, cooking, entertaining blahhh blahh blahhh. Can't we just call this off? I don't think I have it in me. ok so I'll rally, I'm a mother right and if I don't make it happen we will all be in a mess!!! This is just my momentary mental breakdown..I scheudled it for Nov 1 but it is taking a bit longer.
I miss that baby boy. I want to hold him and be his grandmother and spoil him to pieces. I want to put him in little John John suits and listen to his football coach daddy tell me that this is the last time I can dress him like that. I want to rock him in the middle of the night so his mommy and daddy can get some much needed sleep. I wanted to give him ice cream for breakfast just because I can! I loved him so much. He was going to win the nobel peace prize and the Heisemann (sp?) trophy and be President and a great artitst and be an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic Hockey player and he was going to be a famous actor! He was all that for us. Jackson Neil DeLoach you are so loved and missed. My heart breaks for the loss of you. There I said it. publically..on my blog.
I'll be back with some fun, I swear it! for today..just loss and recovery time. Thanks for putting up with me and this sad stuff. I really am getting better. kinda
Emily's blog: www.footprintsand hope.blogspot.com
get some tissue
The truth of it right here and right now is that so many times in the past few months I have been so busy designing ,writing (something special is in the works ) that I have put some strong emotions on the back burner. I have been preoccupied with Silver Thimble business there was so much to do. Now, market is behind me, the new project is in the rear view mirror..it is time to slow down a bit. This new found "time" brings with it the stark reality of the loss of our first grandchild in May and the grief that has been quietly put on a shelf in my heart. While it is never far from mind...it hasn't been dealt with..faced..and "handled" from the grandparent perspective.
I'm taking Emily's lead and blogging a bit about this. She has written so beautifully about their process but I have always stayed away from that because I felt that it was their story...and it is, and always will be. The truth is, it is also a family story. We all feel the loss and we are all a "mess" at different times. Emily might be having a good day and Russ a bad, I might be having a good day and Emily a bad. We all throw each other into tailspins on a regular basis. Guess what..the holidays are on the way. Can we just call it all off?
When you are the parent..and in particular the mother. We make holidays happen, and YOU KNOW what I'm talking about. The decorating, shopping, cooking, entertaining blahhh blahh blahhh. Can't we just call this off? I don't think I have it in me. ok so I'll rally, I'm a mother right and if I don't make it happen we will all be in a mess!!! This is just my momentary mental breakdown..I scheudled it for Nov 1 but it is taking a bit longer.
I miss that baby boy. I want to hold him and be his grandmother and spoil him to pieces. I want to put him in little John John suits and listen to his football coach daddy tell me that this is the last time I can dress him like that. I want to rock him in the middle of the night so his mommy and daddy can get some much needed sleep. I wanted to give him ice cream for breakfast just because I can! I loved him so much. He was going to win the nobel peace prize and the Heisemann (sp?) trophy and be President and a great artitst and be an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic Hockey player and he was going to be a famous actor! He was all that for us. Jackson Neil DeLoach you are so loved and missed. My heart breaks for the loss of you. There I said it. publically..on my blog.
Emily's blog: www.footprintsand hope.blogspot.com
get some tissue
28 comments:
{{hugs}} your family continues to be in my prayers.
I just read the story on their blog. I am so sorry for all of you. What a heart break and what a sweet story of love written in the blog. Some things will never be answered on this side of heaven, that's for sure. Something almost exactly the same happened to my best friend's sister. The sadness was almost unbearable.. but just know, God is truly in control and from the experience of my friend's sister, there is HOPE and happiness for the future. ((hugs))
So sorry for your loss, and I sure understand the need to be busy, And to deal, when you can. You are in my prayers. It is so hard to know whether to post about grief, but perhaps it feels like you are holding back not to, if you need to.
Don't apologize or feel bad about posting any of it. The loss of that sweet little baby will be with you forever, and we all care about the good, the bad, and the grief. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.
Grief is a process...it can last a lifetime....being with what IS ...is where you are and being honest and real is such a gift.
Just remember too...his spirit is still with you and all of his family. I'm so glad he choose you...what a smart little fella with a huge heart.
Hugs,
Kelly
I am glad you are expressing these emotions...good, good! Cry it out girl...and know that we love you and are praying for your peace, and your families peace too. Hugs!!
Trust me, I know exactly how you feel and taking time to let your spirit heal is a good thing, XOXO
Allow your self time to heal. I am sorry to say that it never goes away - but then would you want love to go away? It does get better. Meanwhile, hang in there and try to find some happy times - even when you have to force yourself.
I do know that if you endure it you will find that your heart has grown. Remember that all of you are in this together and support each other. And try to start some new (preferably silly) holiday tradition so that you are sure to laugh - it is healing.
Take your time. we all need to greive on our own time. Hugs and God Bless you and your family.
Oh Pat, I wish I could give you a hug right now and tell you it's okay to say your heart is broken, because that little guy left one big empty spot. You are thought of often,
I must admit that I think about you, your hubby, Emily and her hubby more often that you will ever know. I wish I could help with your pain - I can't - but I can leave lots of (HUGS).
Take good care of you and yours.
Oh, Pat...I wish I was close enough, also, to give you a hug in person. I am glad you were finally able to get this out on your blog....and while I know it won't make the hurt go away (that will NEVER happen), I hope it can ease it somewhat for you.
I see where Emily learned to write so beautifully. And Pat, it is okay to skip Christmas... We have and the nice thing is no clean- up afterwards!
There are no words to express how much I ache for your family. You all have admirable courage for what you have been through since May. Yes, it is ok to put the holiday on hold and spend time healing.
It probably helps a little that you have the business to occasionally take your mind off your sorrow. I lost my husband in Aug. and it is EXTREMELY difficult. So many times I've wished for some sort of distraction. We'll get thru these coming days, weeks & months somehow.
You shouldn't need to apologize for sharing your heart on your blog Pat. It becomes such an extension of ourselves, our means of communicating with so many people, of sharing who we are in a significant way. And who you are right now is a grieving grandmother! It's okay to feel that, and it's more than okay to share it! I want to hear your hurts as well as your joys, and I want to share them with you, pray for you, and rejoice when better times come around.
The holidays are the worst time ever to be experiencing loss, and I will keep you all in my prayers throughout the season. Hugs & Blessings sent your way!
I think there comes a time when someone CAN say out loud how heartbroken they are, and this is obviously your time. I hope it helps that you can now talk about it publicly.
Take all the time you need, Pat. Say or write all the words you can. In the sharing, may you find some release of your sorrow. Our hearts go out to you.
{{hugs}} know you are in my thoughts and prayers, the loss never goes away but lessens in time, know you have a beautiful angel watching over you and your family,
Oh I just read your blog and have followed your blog for awhile, I am soo so sorry for your loss. I know a LOT about this, as my first child, David Christopher, died at 3 mo's old from SIDS. There really isn't a word to discribe what it feels like to bury your first born....but God truly got my husband and myself through it. With that said there isn't a day that goes by that I don't say a little prayer to him before I close my eyes at night - it is kind of a ritual, my husband and I hold hands in bed and say a little prayer to him, for I know he is an angel. My thoughts and heart go out to you and your family, hang in there and cling to your faith and each other. Many hugs, Mary
Hey there, do you want to know what I really love about you? You are so down to earth, heartfelt and awesome. This roller coaster will settle down it will never go away but it will get easier. Jackson knows you all love him, there's not doubt in his mind. Always know that we are here for you to cry out to.
Hugs,
Vicki
hugs to you. I know the pain of losing 2 babies to miscarriage 19 years ago and still have times of mourning. May the Lord comfort you.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
My heart breaks for you, Pat. I pray that God will wrap His arms around you and bring you and your family comfort and consolation and healing.
Pat, You and your family are heartbroken and no need to apologize. You will find the way to mourn, cry, smile, and be there for each other. Sometimes working through grief is day to day and sometimes it's minute to minute. Be assured that you and your dear family are in the thoughts of many.
I'm sending a virtual ((((hug)))). I appreciate your sharing your story. It's a reminder to those of us who haven't experienced such a loss to be especially considerate of those who do. You've made me a better person just by sharing your story and I hope that gives you some small comfort.
Pat & Andy,
While you can't cancel them, you can certainly hold them quietly and Jackson will be in your hearts. Buy tissue though - can't imagine the loss and pain for all of you. If there was a vote to cancel them, I'd do it for you and all those who have lost much this year.
mal
I can only imagine how you are feeling. And you have the right to all of your feelings. Think of you often.
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